I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
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doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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