i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
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at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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