My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
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For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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