mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
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If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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