My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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