false alarm. still invincible.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize