Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
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woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
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Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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