is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
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Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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