I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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