It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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