I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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