I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
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Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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