I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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