sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
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Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
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You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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