Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
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On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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