I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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