When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
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