His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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