I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize