I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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