All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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