and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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