I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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