I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
