he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
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After tacos, we're chasing women.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize