dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
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my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
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Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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