There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
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The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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