I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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