Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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