I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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