i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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