One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
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Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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