Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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