no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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