I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
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Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
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