just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
