Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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