so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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