your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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