you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
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You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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