it wasn't lemon gatorade
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
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you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
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The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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