my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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