Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
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he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
whose parrot is this?
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We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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