just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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