I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize