So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
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you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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