I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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