when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
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I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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