I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
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there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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