I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
